I Always Wanted to Be a Mama…
From the time I can remember I fantasized about becoming a mother. pregnancy, childbirth (still young enough to be naive about the details), infancy, breastfeeding and sharing your life with another human lit me up. I wanted nothing more. When I was young I would go up to pregnant women I’d never met and put my hands on their bellies completely in awe that our bodies were so brilliantly designed to bring forth new life (reflecting back I believe I’d always had incredible reverence for the human experience, but I knew there was more than this material world). I remember people asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and while my friends were talking about interesting career paths, I’d simply say I wanted to be a mother.
“In time I realized the significance that such crippling devastation could only be possible because of the most tremendous love.”
My journey into motherhood didn’t happen on my timeline and certainly didn’t go the way I dreamed up. When I became pregnant for the first time I had no idea the prevalence of miscarriage and I certainly didn’t ever think it would happen to me. I was illuminated from the inside out - filled with the most soul quenching love and joy. At 27 my time had finally come to bring a child into this world - or so I thought.
13 weeks later everything changed. I lost my naivety. I lost my innocence. I lost my first baby. A miscarriage that lasted 9 days stripped me down completely and shattered my world. And so it was… my only choice was to surrender. No amount of trying to control or reason or figure out the cause would bring my baby back - though I tried. In time I realized the significance that such crippling devastation could only be possible because of the most tremendous love.
Exactly nine months later, to the day, I miscarried the second time. 13 weeks of trusting this wouldn’t happen again. 13 weeks of steadfast prayer. 13 weeks of holding on to hope. I changed after my miscarriages. It would be inauthentic to remain the same woman I was before experiencing the type of agony that drops you to your knees and forces you to question everything you ever believed about God and life.
I know now that while these experiences threatened my relationship with God, in time, they led me to more faith, trust and secure belief in the divine timing and purpose of all that is.
Eventually my time came. Our time came. Ruby Sophia Marie (or Ruby Love as I call her) chose me to be her mama and was deliberate in her plan. She teaches me new ways of life daily, opens my eyes and my heart, shifts my perspective and helps me to be fully present for every moment of our sacred time together. Her life renewed mine.
“Grief changes you. To resist that truth would be to deny yourself of the opportunity for powerful growth”
